A clasp for anywhere the sun shines 

Winter lasts 3 months and we are on our 2nd. Nearly there. As grateful as I am that we have had warmer winters in the last couple of years, it’s not so great for the wild or our environment. I am that selfless and I genuinely care about global warming and that’s why I recycle and don’t drive!!! But I am not one of those “Live Green” freaks who would rather walk or take the ferry to France or Greece when I can fly. Sorry! I think modern hippies are cute but I will fly to the Isle of Man because I can!!!
After all living in London already reduces one’s life span by what, a year or 2 due to excessive carbon monoxide so??? 

This is the wrong approach and I would not teach my child, niece, nephew or god kids this. 

But this isn’t necessarily about the cold weather because I believe more in wearing appropriate clothing and less in bad weather. There is just something about winters that makes me eat more, sleep more, I am always deadbeat, I hibernate, unenthused about my existence, everything. But the worst weeks are usually after the holidays when I suffer ‘holiday blues’. I am just down in the dumps for no reason. Nothing bad has happened. Things are great but I am just not feeling it. So my best friends and my sister may ask me what’s up and I can’t give a real reason why I am DITD. Every November, I look forward to the Christmas and New Year breaks even though I tend to work between both because it’s usually quiet. Why should I waste my annual leave to stay at home when I can go into an empty office over the season and work?? However, I have realised I need routine and structure after a few days because I am the most restless person who ever lived. There is something seriously wrong with me. I am not sure whether it’s a bit of my psychosis. It’s unsettling to be settled. 3 days at home doing nothing is great, absolutely fantastic, a week is manageable, I can binge on Netflix or watch 7 series of Mad Men for the umpteenth time, catch up with my books/documentaries and gossip with my friends and sister or just rearrange the flat based on a style I pinned or found on Pinterest. 2 weeks is certainly pushing it and I gradually begin to slide into depression especially if I haven’t got any form of structure throughout that time. It’s why I cannot afford not to work for any reason known to man. I hate work but I like working. I always write about wanting to be like a German Hausfrau living in the country and working on an animal farm with my wellies, selling fresh milk and fresh farm eggs but I think I could potentially struggle with that reality. 
Like Anne, my 70 year old BFF/nan, I think I have SAD (winter blues) I just haven’t been clinically diagnosed. She has. I told her, and she blew her cigarette smoke rings in my face like she was telling me off in a disapproving way. Tsk! But Anne, why would I want to claim SAD when I don’t have it?? She responds saying because anyone who feels down in the winter is using the term as an excuse. Ok, whatever!
I have told her to stop smoking but she said she went to the hospital recently and after a few tests, the doctors were concerned about her. She then said to the doctor, ‘maybe I should stop smoking’ and his response was ‘whether you stop or not it will make no difference’. So she walked out of the clinic feeling elated and we both laughed hard at that thought. I love Anne. She is brilliant. She always says she wants to give me away in church. Ha!
Anyway back to winter. I am sure my neighbours wonder if I have gone absolutely bonkass when I wear a negligee or similar and stand outside my infamous balcony on a cold sunny winter day just to have a bit of sunlight kiss my face. I stare at them and give them the middle ‘bent’ finger and they hurriedly cease to look. I may seem crazy but you wonder why my vitamin d levels suddenly went from ‘undetectable’ to 80 and the doctors thought it was a miracle. It was indeed a miracle and of course my insanity. There is a reason why I was born in June and why my surname means ‘summer’ or whatever it means. I am a summer baby. No, actually, I am a Spring girl. I can’t stand too hot or too cold. This weather and I are not friends. I have been speaking to my sister about going away and she laughs because she and I know I am under some form of restraint from travelling, well, within the next 4 months ( I haven’t been arrested) but I am dreaming of all the wonderful tropics, safaris and beaches I could visit in February and I am sitting on my floor (that’s my default position when I am sad, I sit on the floor) thinking why my life has to be this way. Why can’t I let go and just think about travel when I am ready. I am like a junkie suffering withdrawal symptoms. This is a test of my resilience. These are symptoms of SAD. I am even told by my partner that I am mentioning destinations like Havana, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Costa Rica, Zanzibar, LA, Cape Verde, Barbados in my sleep on top of the fucking weird noises I make when I sleep. Poor guy! He doesn’t only have to put up with me kicking him out of bed in the middle of the night, or waking up and finding he is hanging at the edge of the cliff (sorry, bed) and even worse, I am making these sounds that sound like trains approaching, I am also having to list these holiday destinations and he is wondering, who the fuck am I dating?! But I tell him, psychos attract, babba. But as hard as it is for me to admit. I think there are good things about winters too. The ability to snuggle with someone you love in your warm home and drink earl grey tea all day, or home made mulled wine with lots of cinnamon, wear a onesie, watch tele together, light candles and sleep with a hot water bottle when he isn’t there. Blankets everywhere even by the fire place, working from home in your P.Js, lots of hot chocolate in the cafes, soups and seasonal vegetables, the Central line is heaven in the winter (putting aside the B.Os) and hell in the summer, those fluffy warm slippers and oversized jumpers and joggers which tend to make me look so unattractive and fat and he tells me ‘you look great in that outfit’ and I tell him ‘thanks for lying, babba’ followed by a kiss. But the highlight is waking up to get a cup of tea and buttered rolls in bed after having a lie in is the best especially on a Sunday morning 😍 until I am told I need to leave the house for a walk to help circulation then I throw my fucking tantrums like a right bitch that I am. The worst part of the story in all of this is that I am off to Prague for a weekend in a week and I fucking hate it! It’s like the fucking Langjokull Glacier for Chrissakes. Speaking of which, I am not missing Reykjavik next winter. I will find a cabin with a hot tub and a fire place and shack up there. You can come with some beers and lots of food. I am looking for friends to join me. Just bring lots of money, Iceland is expensive! So I am here asking myself, who goes to Prague in the middle of Jan? Who does that? I DOES that! 

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2 comments

  1. Pam · January 9

    Lol you ‘DOES’ that! I love your spirit. Lovely

    Liked by 1 person

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